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40 days of being sick

I told myself I was being very gentle by giving myself a goal of walking for 40 days straight.

But even walking, as simple as it is, right before winter is about to come? And right before I am working 2 jobs every single day? It was an attempt to give myself some self-care, because the fact is: I really suck at self-care. And I knew if, left to my own devices, I would not step out side and breathe fresh air and walk around the block. So there were some very good intentions in there!

But there were also some perfectionist dreams sneaking in there.

See, a perfectionist is similar to an addict. A perfectionist is very, very good at making her actions SEEM completely admirable, noble, and maybe even gentle. But inside there is a little Gollum creature screaming with delight at the new discovery and plan to do one thing the exact, right perfect way. She looks up, catches her composure. She’s pretty sure no one knows the feeling of complete power and lust she feels about this soon-to-be-accomplishment. She vows to do it exactly right to prove to them – to prove to ALL of them – how good she is.

 Three days in to my 40 days of walking, I got sick. And worked a double at my then new job. So I laid a little low. I opted to let myself out of walking because I was sick and absolutely exhausted. Then Hurricane Sandy happened, and well – I stayed inside that day. And the election. And a Nor’ Easter. And then, sick again. And almost well! And then sick. And then really sick. And then just still sneezing to this day.

But these events don’t surprise me, as far as my personal story goes. Because in my own little bubble, I knew deep down that me creating this 40-day plan, gentle as it was, was still me trying to create an outside structure to FORCE me to do something I resist: self-care.

But self-care for me in these 40 days became something else that my body demanded. It just demanded that I rest. It demanded that if I wanted to get well, I better just take it easy. Cancel my plans. Stay home. Sleep. Cuddle with dogs. Watch movies.

How you do anything is how you do everything, right?

I have trouble listening to myself. Trusting my intuition. I think because deep down, I have always feared something a parent must fear. “What if I am not able to give to myself what I need?” If I listen to the little voice inside and it says, “I need a day off!” what if I can’t give it to her? I have a writing deadline and three shifts at the restaurant and no one to cover for me! And bills to pay and a debt pay-off goal I am getting closer to each day!

It seems scarier to hear her, to hear the voice inside, because I am afraid to trust her — that what she wants is best for me. That taking a day off will help me get closer to my goals, or that taking a long break in the middle of a writing day will fill me with more creative juices for later.

This lack of trust might explain why i am working with a food therapist right now, who is helping me learn to listen to my body, to trust its signals for pasta and meat, as well as with veggies and lemon water! (This is scary as well.)

So, this recovering perfectionist is going to try a new goal: to listen to myself daily. To give myself what I need, whether that be rest or exercise, play or study, steak or a green smoothie.

It’s the territory of really living life in the moment! It feels like beginning a new adventure.

 

Does life feel like it is happening so fast you can’t even keep up? The 2012 US elections are tomorrow.

I’d like to “be in the conversation” about the election, but not on Facebook. That feels like a giant compost disposal for eroding beliefs molding together to come out in disaster. “Liberals” just yelling out why Romney is a fucking idiot. “Conservatives” quietly “liking” Mitt Romney and hoping to not get yelled at. Or the braver ones: calling anyone who’d vote for Obama a fucking idiot.

Interesting how these two men who are supposed to be pulling the country together seem to be pulling us further apart…

I have been slowly working on getting more educated about what is really going on in politics. Part of this is because I am living with my cousin Brooksie (If you have known me at all during the past 10 years, you’ll know that time spent with Brooksie has been the impetus for almost every life-changing decision: 1) visiting New York 2) Moving to New York 3) pursuing acting in New York 4) having S-E-X for the first time! 5) going out to California to visit a shaman… a trip that completely changed my life

And wow — that’s barely half of it! We definitely had some sort of deal worked out before this lifetime, wherein she’d help me with major life decisions!

She helps me to see my blind spots.

And I feel pretty blind when it comes to politics. So we have been having conversations beyond what we hear in pop culture, looking at not just the liberal news stations, but Fox too. Comparing them. Talking about various books and documentaries, and what our Russian friends read in their newspapers.

In 2004, I didn’t know who to vote for. I was also struggling with my Christian beliefs, New York culture, and burgeoning desires to explore what I believed outside of the church (and date outside of the church… WAY outside.).

Here’s what I did. I asked my roommate at the time who I should vote for.

She said, “Well, I think we should have a strong Christian president. And I think that George W Bush is the right man for that.”

And I said, “Okay, sounds good. Hey, I can’t miss work. Can you fill out my absentee voter ballot for me and mail it with yours?”

I LITERALLY GAVE AWAY MY VOTE!

I know. SHAME on ME!

And we all know how that worked out.
Here’s the deal…

I am pro-choice. I have had 3 very close friends get pregnant with the wrong guy, at the wrong time, with no money. (And when I say “3 friends” I mean I was close to 3 friends at the times they had to make this decision — I went to one friend’s house in the middle of the night when she found out, and she was crying all night. I slept over. She was in love with the guy and had a weekend with him, and then he broke up with her. He turned out to be a royal douche.)

I am pro-gay marriage. (Are we seriously still having to FIGHT for this?)

But I am concerned about Obama. Romney aside. I don’t trust Obama. He knows how to speak. He knows how to rally crowds together and make promises, and make us feel like those promises are happening right now. And the trillion dollars of debt concerns me. Just like how Chase bank owns me right now (debt-payment post coming soon), China is owning more and more of us each day! Did anyone watch “Obama 2016”? WATCH IT on Netflix tonight.

I feel like just like Republican folks are playing on the “Right” sides’ fears of their values being damaged, the Democratic party is playing on everyone else’s fears of our rights being taken away (or, to STILL not be getting them).

We the people are just getting lied to Left and Right.

I agree with both Obama and Romney that it is time for “Change.” But I don’t trust the two large power-hungry groups whispering into these two men’s ears. I hate that when it comes to president, it comes down to: Which is the lesser of two evils?

Sometimes you get sick, and then work two doubles, and then a hurricane comes through, and there go your plans.

I am feeling very blessed and lucky during this hurricane to have stayed in with my cousin Brooksie and her two dogs, Casey and Cabo, the most loving little dogs I could imagine, while watching an awful movie on demand (seriously, did you see “Rock of Ages”) and eating the grub we got in case of emergencies. (Suddenly PB & J’s sounded really delicious.) We’re tucked in to a hood that wasn’t badly affected by the storm at all, except a couple of light flickers. We watched the news and stayed up to date. I laid on the couch with a little dog on my belly that demanded my undying attentive petting. (My nickname around here is “The Petting Machine.”) I oblige to her demands. She doesn’t know it does as much for me as it does for her!

Actually she probably does.

Meanwhile other people are, in a flash, losing everything! Their homes, or even, family members. Or their lives. The entire state of New Jersey is demolished. Lower Manhattan will have damage forever.

I remember talking with my dad on 9/11/01, and he said: “We’re going to see the effects of this for a really long time. This is going to change everything.” I had no comprehension of that, or how it could be true. I feel like we could say the same for Sandy, and its impact on this city and on the nearby states.

I send all my love and gratitude out for our safety and comfort, and the safety and comfort of all my loved ones in this area.
Sending love out to everyone affected by this storm.

Day 1: 40 Days of Walking

Whatever jumble I’m caught up in mentally or physically or emotionally, if I just step outside and walk, the air shifts. Maybe a huge release like yesterday, when I sat on the ground crying, and people walked by and asked me if I was OK. “YEAH I’M FINE, really… thanks!” SNORTLE Or maybe today, where I stood in the middle of the trees at Ft. Tryon Park, stretching after a run, feeling restored. Doing funky little energy medicine movements that made me look like a crazy woman.

So, in an effort to not freak my ego out too much, I am going to very gently give myself a 40-day commitment that is easy to keep AND makes a world of a difference in my day. And just having the decision made for me that, yes: I am doing this — makes much less room for resistance to come in and sabotage me!

Here’s the deal: I walk outside every day for 40 days. Not just to the train or the store! Like, a walk. A purposeful, fresh-air-breathing stroll, and maybe even a run when I feel so inclined! Tennis shoes, walking clothes, time out from the day. If it’s pouring, I’ll grab an umbrella. No time constraints — it’s fluid with the day.

I feel better mentally when I breathe fresh air and move in my body. I feel better in my body when I move. And I am much more productive afterwards. By giving myself this gift of time with ME and nature, it’s like spending time with a child. I feel taken care of and can move on and do all those things in the world that need to happen.

So, that’s my new challenge. 🙂 I started today and it felt great.

Want to join me and do something too? Maybe you are sick of resistance stopping you from doing something that makes you feel better or moves your life forward. I am, and am always looking for new ways to sneak around that bugger!

I’m doing it again. dammit.

Well, hello there, 2 years later!

I was taking a walk in Washington Heights yesterday through the park, and I burst into tears. For a myriad of reasons — feeling stuck again, feeling frustrated that after all the work I’ve done, here I am feeling directionless and stuck in yet another battle with food and a bigger battle with debt. Not even sure what my “dreams” even are at this point, and even more scared that it’s too late anyways to catch up with the outside world when all my time has been spent on my inner world.

But one thing kept coming to mind: a desire to write. My inner writer is like a scared little dog. I work on something a while, and then I run away out of fear. YIP YIP YIP YIP!

But the desire to write just keeps hitting me like a beam of lightning on a trapper keeper. I thought: should I start a new blog? I should. But I am starting to have as many trails of old blogs as I have old boyfriends. (So, like 4 blogs… And I would still totally go to dinner with one or two of those.) And you know the old saying, “Start where you are, with what you have.” (Okay, it has an inspired bit of Abraham Hicks in there too). And, my dear friend Stephanie did not end up taking over this blog, as she has really created her own site in such a beautiful way. So, I had this space here just waiting…

And then, I remembered the spirit of “I’m doing it, dammit.” That still really just speaks to me. It’s saying “Fuck you” to all the excuses and the fears and everything that has stopped you in the past. And it is that conscious soul inside that decides, “Ya know what, victimhood and ego? I’m gonna steer this ship right now. Thanks. Oh, you want to stay? Okay, well you sit in the corner over there, but I’m not going to listen to what you have to say, no matter how loud you yell it”

So here I am… And hoping that maybe if you subscribed long ago, this will pop up in your inbox, and you’ll say hello.

"Looking Ahead" by Stephanie St.Claire

I’m sitting on the couch I am currently surfing on in Chicago getting ready for my day: First I’m going to hit up a coffee shop (like they used to make ’em) around the corner with great breakfasts and teas, then I’ll find my way around the Chicago transit to the Pilsen area, where I’ll be doing tech for my show Am I Blue, which is part of the Chicago Fringe Festival here. After that, exploring this city, until I meet more Fringe folks this evening at the volunteers meeting!

This is one of the groovy things I am working on– how to spend more of my life travelling and doing shows that I love!

But that’s not why I’m writing today.

As exciting as it is to be performing in Chicago this week, I have more exciting news. I’m Doing It Dammit is getting fresh, new life breathed into it by a new editor! Due to some beautiful synchronicities, an amazing lady named Stephanie St.Claire is going to be taking over I’m Doing It Dammit, and giving it a new life of its own. Stephanie is a life coach and start-up strategist, a healer and an artist. She uplifts, inspires, & makes me laugh, whether it’s through her facebook posts, her writing (seen HERE too!), her photography, or her all-around take-no-shit joyful & playful outlook.

I still believe in the entire philosophy of I’m Doing It Dammit, and hated to leave it just sitting there. So it brings me so much joy to hand the baton over to Miss St.Claire, and for her passion to take over this site! I’m so excited to see what direction Stephanie St.Claire takes with it. And just wait til you get to know this absolutely fabulous woman.

"I remember the night this photo was taken. It was an ordinary day/ ordinary night last summer, but I was launching FULL ON into my own private practice as a counselor and healer. I remember feeling so immensely happy!! So full of love and hope and JOY. Since following my true calling for work, my life has never been the same and I'm SO EXCITED every morning to wake up and take on the day. I love 'doing life' with you guys and I love seeing lives transform. :)" --Stephanie St.Claire

Doing it, dammit…

Did you see that tumbleweed roll by?

Ah, keeping up a blog. It’s a lot like starting a comedy group. After a while it’s like, okay!!! We’ve done all these shows and gotten to perform. Now what??

I have achieved a lot that I wanted to achieve with this blog. I did the 30-day bikram challenge, and I started a meditation practice. (And it sure is a practice. I just started it back up this week). And, it has been super cool to be a part of other people’s processes… My friend Olia began writing every day, and has a wonderful blog, and Jamie created her meditation practice, Rodney wrote songs, Matthew is beginning his novel, Marieleana shared her experience cleansing, and that’s just some of it!

So, once you start a blog, do you keep it up forever? That creative desire eventually starts to fade, like with any project. It’s not like writing a book where there is a clear finish line. But there is this feeling of giving up when you stop writing, and people slowly stop reading. I am so grateful to everyone who has been reading this blog that I don’t want to just slowly stop calling until the other person figures out that I’m not interested. It’s still got a space here in on the web, and I may still return to write on occasion. But for now, the stuff I want to do, dammit, isn’t so much on this blog! I’m playing with lighter fare over on my tumblr and twitter.

I was thinking about the whole “doing it dammit” feeling. And I think what makes it different than just a regular goal is there is this feeling behind it. This feeling of: I’m not putting this off any longer. I’m ready to do this and I KNOW that I CAN do this. That is the heart of this blog—getting to that place about absolutely anything you desire. Sometimes the desire is there but the knowing is not. There is an essence of FUCK IT! to I’m doing it dammit. An essence of Who cares what anyone thinks?? I’m tired of basing my life around my insecurities!

So I am happy to say that I am bringing that philosophy to all areas of my life now. And I know it takes that deep knowing, determination, and desire to really make shit happen. Not because you “should.” Not because it’s “good for you.” It has to FEEEEEL good TO you!!!

And right now, I feel like I “should” be keeping up with this blog. So I’m not going to. 🙂 It has achieved its purpose! It still exists, and will live here with lots of juicy articles, and I still have the imdoingitdammit@gmail.com email address, so feel free to reach me. Now I’m off to do the stuff that feels really good to me, today!

Love,
Blue