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Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

Hello darlings. My name is Stephanie St.Claire and I’m madly in love with Elizabeth Blue. Ya heard right. She’s got some kick-ass moxie, this one. She asked me to guest post this week and I’m doing it, dammit.

I am a Situational Counselor and Lifestyle Strategist, writer, spiritual mentor, and diehard life enthusiast. I write a blog called BLISSBOMBED.com and I help people get their shit together.

So let’s talk break ups. I have gone through some sucky break ups and I have made them suck harder by doing A LOT of the self-sabotaging below. When you’ve just won the sorrow jackpot, a lot of this stuff makes sense. It makes you feel better temporarily. But doing this crap only delays your healing, makes you look like a psycho, and worries your mom. Stop it.

How To Make Your Breakup Suck Harder

1. Keep getting back together. Seems obvious, but this suck-harder pitfall wears a costume called “hanging out as friends.” It includes going to dinner, going to the movies, meeting for a drink, Netflixing, or going to his cousin’s wedding. The only thing this does is reinforce the emotional attachment that used to live inside of a commitment. Your psyche goes through hell as it tries to accept that there is no relationship, while your body gets flooded with endorphins as you hug good-bye.

2. Keep perpetuating the story in your head that you were true soul mates and you are the only one that can really understand him. Listen attentively to your inner social worker who feels compassion for him in this “confusing time” and knows he just needs some extra understanding and a cookie. Refuse to accept that he surveyed all the awesome soul-mateness and still walked out your door.

3. Text him to see if he’s okay. Text him to check in. Text him to say you got the job. Text him to say you’d still consider being friends. Text him to see if he got your last text. Text him to ask if he can help you move your couch next Saturday. Lock yourself in that airless chamber of expectation….waiting for him to respond. Lie to yourself and say you don’t care if he texts back. Wake up at 2 a.m. and check your phone.

4. Use media to your disadvantage: Make him a mixed CD of your old songs and throw in a zinger like “Bulletproof” by LaRoux or any song by Sarah McLachlan. Send him funny YouTube videos he’d like. Email links that will be helpful for his latest project. Send a picture of you looking hot, now that you’ve been on a diet of tears and hot tea for two weeks.

5. Stay in touch with his mom. Call his friends just to say hi. If you listen carefully you can probably get clues as to what he’s doing. Stalk his Facebook. Check his Friend’s List to see if there are any new female faces. It’s all the same: Keep his circle inside your circle.

6. Bad mouth him to others. Every time you create him with your language, you are creating an aberration of him in the room. He gets invited back into your life the very same way he was invited in when you were creating him with love and excitement….you are conjuring energetically. Love and hate are two sides of the SAME coin. (Hint: Your goal is neutrality.)

7. Torture yourself with “what-if” scenarios. Make a religion out of your star-crossed-loveredness, complete with candle-lit altar. Fantasize about him waking up and realizing he lost the best damn thing that ever happened to him. If he texts you to say hi, text him right back. Or make him wait 3 hours and then text him. Either way, just text him.

8. His stuff is at your place. Your stuff is at his. This can only be solved one way: The In-Person Exchange. Really? Or maybe you could make arrangements with a friend to drop his crap off. And maybe that friend wouldn’t mind picking your stuff up. Or maybe you could just throw his toothbrush out, cuz those are like, 3 bucks at Walgreen’s.

9. Constantly create long, anguished speeches in your head that let him know exactly how he’s tortured you. Imagine him feeling bad. Imagine him FINALLY coming to his senses, and concocting a plan to win you back. Don’t imagine him going out with his friends all weekend, moving on with his unrestricted life.

10. And if you REALLY want to make your breakup suck harder tell yourself that you will never love like that again. This is a good one, because when you are in heartbreak hell, that feels like the truth. And the thought of loving someone else makes you sick. Like the 3 margaritas you drank this morning.

How to Make Your Breakup Suck Less:

1. Don’t see him or talk to him for 60 days. If you could accidently run into him at the gym, grocery store, dry cleaner, or route to work- change your gym, grocery store, dry cleaner, and route to work. I know, I know, it’s not fair. But do it.

2. Join a new gym or sign up for a 5K. This is about giving your grief a physical outlet. Endorphins take a breakUP and make it a breakOVER.

3. Go out with your friends, both male and female. Do not dominate the evening with your break up drama. Ask them questions about what THEY’RE doing, what projects THEY’RE working on, how THEIR crazy family is doing. Something magical happens when you leave your own world for a while and get into others’.

4. Remember he’s not hiding at the bottom of that wine bottle. Drink lots of water, give yourself a salt scrub, get a pedicure, and kick Uncle Ben and Uncle Jerry to the curb.

5. Read funny/inspiring blogs (THIS ONE and Rocket Shoes are two of my faves), create a kick-ass collage of your new life, and write a letter to your future husband. Create a fresh relationship with your faith. Press into God. Write down the wisdom you are learning from all this.

If you are struggling, and need a hand out of the ditch, email me. I would love to talk to you.

With much love,

Stephanie xXo

Email: stclaire.stephanie@gmail.com

You can check out my blog here: BLISSBOMBED.com

Join me on Facebook: Stephanie StClaire: Blissbombed

Or Twitter: @BLISSBOMBED

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This is my very first improv group, Frank. We formed our all-girls group right after finishing our Level 5 improv class. I think this photo is now 4 years old. Crazy!!! We’d put together shows with improv, sketch, video, and dance, with that wild fired-up newcomer energy. The girl on the furthest left is Desiree Nash, an unstoppable lady who is guest-blogging today. She isn’t writing about running marathons, although she’s run a few of those, or performing on the professional musical improv group Baby Wants Candy… She’s writing about something much more challenging: online dating!  Here’s Dez!

I haven’t been practicing the art of dating for very long.  Only about 5 years.  All of those years were spent dating improvisers, so I’ve never known anything else.  I don’t even know how to meet men who aren’t improvisers.  Even if I did go trawling around the New York Stock Exchange or sports bars, these men probably won’t be funny, right?  I can’t date someone who isn’t funny.  I just…can’t.  Plus, who the hell is going to stand me seeing shows/rehearsing/performing 6 nights a week?  How is there even room for him?  That’s why dating improvisers made sense.  If I was busy doing all of these things, at least my beau would be by my side for most of it.

Ok, so why have I decided to not date an improviser?  Well, lemme break it down like this:  I’ve been single for a year.  In that year, I dated six improvisers.  Nothing was exclusive, and some of them barely lasted a month.  They were all guys that I’d already known for years, so the idea of first dates and courting were lost on both parties.  Then, all of a sudden, it’s over and we still have to see each other at the same bars and theaters.  Then, I find out every girl they ever dated/slept with and I know them as well.  It’s a tiny, incestuous community.  It started to make me feel less special.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to matter to someone.  The thing I was yearning for was just good ol’ fashioned dating.  Butterflies in the stomach-chivalrous-dim lights and wine dating.  I’m not saying improviser men are incapable of these things.  Just, apparently, not the ones I get involved with.

Some friends and I decided to start an online dating blog earlier this year.  We wanted to remain anonymous, so we all chose Facts of Life characters as aliases.  The blog didn’t last long, and I don’t mind revealing:  I was Tootie.  Here it is for reference:  www.30daysofdatingme.blogspot.com

As you can see, I wasn’t very successful.  Admittedly, I didn’t try as hard as I could have.  This time around I thought “I am going to get a date no matter what!”  It wasn’t as desperate as it sounds.  It was more like looking for the next “What else?”  in my life.  The next thing I’d like to experience that I hadn’t yet.  I  sign up for match.com, pay my lonely $75, and get to searching.  I send messages and winks galore!  Still, very harsh out there.  You can see who’s viewed you and, subsequently, NOT responded to you.  Still, I refuse to give up.  I’ve met people that Internet date.  They aren’t all studs and hoops.  I’m a catch.  Maybe not the giant catch that you take a picture with and put on the mantle, but good enough to bring home for dinner.  I also had to throw out my secret desire to be chased and just face the facts:  Life isn’t a game of M.A.S.H.  and I’m not gonna meet a man who would be played my Ewan McGregor in my biopic.  After a couple of weeks of no responses to my messages, one gentleman finally replies.  His profile pic is of him acting like a dinosaur in front of, well, a dinosaur.  He claims to be a “nerd,” which I feel a lot of men label themselves as but really aren’t.  You know, the hipsters that like comic books and didn’t kiss a girl until they were 17.  They think they are nerds, but really they have a stomach full of confidence and the jerk-factor that often comes with inflated egos.  I’m curious about him and want to know more, so I send him a message.  We message back and forth for a couple of days and then, gulp, he says we should meet.  He seems to be alright with the fact that we can’t meet until 11:30pm because I have shows.  That’s a good start, I think.  I’m feeling pretty nervous, but am less so once I see that he seems the same way.  He doesn’t talk much and I think I’m talking too much.  I guess I’m not comfortable with silences, so I just fill them with ramblings.  I’m pretty self-conscious about what I’m saying because this dude is smart.  I’m not very smart, so I’m trying to hide that as much as possible, but eventually, the jig will be up on that one.  He has a Masters from MIT and his Amazon “Wish List” is just calculus books.  I can’t even talk without saying the word “like” excessively… which I become increasingly aware of. I’ve even restructured some sentences in this post to get rid of “likes.” We do have a common interest in running.  Any time I feel lost for words, I just bring up more running things.  If this had been an improviser, we would have just geeked out on comedy the whole time.  I would have been comfortable.  That’s not the point, though.  It’s about, pardon the expression, following the fear. At the end, he walks me to a cab.  He seems stiff when I give him a hug (I don’t know what I’m supposed to do on a first date!) and shocked when I say “You have my number, so feel free to call.”  I didn’t think I’d ever see him again, and I thought “Well, at least I did it.  I went on a date with a stranger, and I was (for the most part) myself.”

Cut to weeks later, we’ve been on five dates now.  I gotta say, I’m quite smitten.  This is the best part of when you first start dating someone… the butterflies are still fluttering.  Don’t worry, I’ll save all the gushy details for my bedazzled diary.  I’m not a very optimistic person, so I still think that if this thing ends it’ll be because he’s too smart for me.  Then, I will go back to match.com and start a new search.  Keyword:  No dinosaurs.

New Yorkers! GO SEE Dez’s hilarious one-woman show, Check Please!, all about her dating adventures… And many other amazing characters’ trials and tribulations in the search for love. Playing next Thursday, 12/30, at the PIT at 9:30! Follow Dez on tumblr: suckinlookfunny

P.S…. Check out the blog Dez mentions… And see what “Natalie” has to say too! 😉

P.P.S… I broke my Facebook fast for 2 minutes to post a link to this entry… But I didn’t even check my notifications or read statuses! Ah the trials of the post-modern world…

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