My husband and I sometimes joke around and say to each other, “Why don’t you just be honest for once!” quoting some 80’s brat pack film, I’m sure. 🙂
Why don’t I just be honest for once and say… My meditations are sucking ass lately. There. It’s true… For some reason, my mind is noisier now than ever. The distractions are palpable. This morning, I woke up at 5AM for a standardized patient gig at the Medical College of Wisconsin. It’s a great job, by the way. I recommend it to all my friends! I get to play various roles and hone my acting craft while hopefully giving insightful feedback to practicing medical students. I’ve played over a dozen different roles. It’s great. I digress…
My morning meditation took place at 5:40AM. The apartment was silent and dark. I was fairly alert for that time of day, too. However, my heart was faint. I listened very intently for it to say something – like listening, leaning in and waiting for a small child to speak in response to a simple question. I didn’t get any answers today. I got the silent treatment. On the other hand, my mind produced many voice overs! It was the domineering older sister today. I try to follow these tangents and watch them while gently letting them go. Frustration, however minute, sets in. Passive anger ready to fling myself out the window. Not really… Just my brain as if it were a frisbee. It’s really hard to love a mind that causes you so much misery. How can you trust it? (Now, I’m just venting.)
Have I mentioned that I, too, am planning to go on Vipassana meditation in early May? As soon as Blue returns, I’ll be on my way. We’ll be able to high five each other, and that’s about it. Not literally high five, but spiritually. 🙂 I plan to tackle my mind, roll around with it on the floor and then end up hugging it, hopefully. I don’t know what to expect. Torture? Hallucinations? I see dead people? Maybe NO expectations while being open and “honest for once” (ha, ha) is the best way to approach it.
Even though my meditations have been messy, I’m still doing them, dammit. It’s called a meditation “practice,” people. Good thing it’s not called a meditation “test”! Life seems like such a test until I see beyond it. When I die, I hope I get to watch a movie of my life so that I’m able to put the pieces together. I’m sure I’ll see then why this and that happened in the order it all happened. Perhaps this life is just a rehearsal for something larger… That means, we can all goof off in rehearsal! Hooray!
Goofing off is key! We should goof off every day for 40 days in addition to the meditation practice.
Olia gave me the lowdown on the vipassana. I still had it in my mind that it would be this lovely relaxing retreat. Oh baby. It’s gonna hurt so good.
I think you’ve told me about Pema Chodron before? I just started rereading “Start Where You Are.” She talks of befriending those parts of us that we try so hard to change. I’ve thought about that too, how my mind seems to have gotten louder since I started meditation. Maybe cause I’m hating it so much. Maybe there’s a way to let the mind be whatever it is, whenever it wants..